*cues Strawberry Bubblegum* Hey…Hey…Hey…Poppin that strawberry bubblegum…this goes out to you….this goes out to you. So I have to do a quick plug for the Justin Timberlake’s album which is beyond amazing and a must buy. I feel like so much has happen since my last post which I just finished reading…well in regards to my love life. Let me do a quick little caught up. Last semester had to be the most trying time in my life and when I found out that my love had a few fabrications…things really started to fall apart. I still get teary eyed over the fact that certain moments were stolen from me because of selfish agendas on another’s behalf.  It was like a nightmare and I was at a lost for words at one point. I remember calling my best friend Gie, who is truly dear to me and not even he could find the right words to sooth my broken heart  I just laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling until I could pull myself together. When I made the decision to let love go…I was experiencing a mix of emotions. I was confused…frustrated…hurting…wanted answers…longed for his touch…relieved…happy…pissed…calm….etc. When I arrived in Atlanta for Christmas break…I decided to sort out my emotions…because on January 1, 2013…I was not giving my past lost control over my future promise. He must have apologized a million times and I was not even trying to hear it at all. I was hurting and the word sorry just seem like another lie to me. Even though I knew things were not perfect…I had never envision the one person that I love and gave my all would have treated me the way that he did. So, the only thing that I could do was pray and ask God to give me the strength to forgive him and truly move on. These last few months have been challenging and at time I still have my moments but hell who doesn’t. If you read my other posts…I’m very open about my feelings and they almost foreshadow our fate. The reason I’m saying all this is because I was given the chance to have closure about that situation today. I express to him that I had already forgiven him and I wanted him to experience the same happiness that I was experiencing in my own life. The crazy part about this whole thing is that others around me were breaking up left and right and somehow I had convinced myself it would not happen to me…umm yeah. To be completely honest, I have never been more happy than I am right now. God has blessed me with so many amazing people in my life and I could not ask for much more. To a certain extent, I don’t consider myself single but in a relationship with my purpose which has always been more than I could ever imagine or dream. Like I said in my last post, I still believe in love and I know when the time is right God will allow the right man to find me. Right now, I am focusing on finishing my Masters degree…being selected as a Fulbright Scholar…and getting my PHD in Paris, France at the American Graduate School in International Relations and Diplomacy. I’m just so excited with where God is leading me and how he is testing my faith so that when he does bless me I continue to remain humble. There is someone that I do have a crush on but I think I shall keep that to myself for the time being. Its just nice to have someone that makes you feel special in those moments that truly count. Well, it is past my bedtime and I will be retiring soon… I just wanted to write this post for closure not for him but for myself. I’m so thankful to have known love but I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me. So I think I might have a crush on two people lol…anyway Usiku Mwema rafiki 

*cues Luther…ya’ll already know how I feel about him lol* Well, since the world is suppose to end in a few hours, I guess this post is appropriate. On August 20th, I moved to Miami, FL to attend Florida International University for graduate school. Over the last five months, so much has changed in my life that its hard to articulate at times. This semester has been on of the most trying of my life. I remember thinking in October, Lord this is too much to bear… between family, friends, school, work and my relationship…I needed a way of escape. During my low moments, I could not find the strength to speak to my situation so I remained pessimistic. I stopped reading my Bible as much and those who I thought I could depend on seem to be so far away. The only thing for me to do was bury myself in my school work and over work myself at the office. After a while, I thought that these feelings were normal for first year graduate students. I was in a new place, surrounded by new people, and had to adapt to all the changes plus more. When people asked how I was doing, I would just say alright to hide from the truth that I could not bear to face. I still remember the day that I broke down from all the stress in my life. I prayed for God to show me the way but I realized it was never hidden from me. I was so focused on the negative that I had forgotten just how blessed I really was at age 23. Usually, when I hear someone complain about this or that, I start to think about my cousin who lost his life about two years ago to cancer. It still feels surreal that he is not around the corner of my grandmother’s house sitting on the porch. Unfortunately, he won’t get to experience college, graduate school, marriage, or having kids. His life reminds me that things are not as bad as they may seem. We have to learn to cherish every moment because it could be our last. Once I started to speak life to my situation, there were a few things that I knew I could not bring with me in 2013. I know in the previous post, there have been thoughts about the ups and downs of my relationship. Recently, I made a decision to let go of a love that was not healthy. Even though, I have no regrets there are moments I wish I could forget at times. We still want the best for one another but a decision had to be made. The reality of that is still sinking in but its life. One thing I can say is that my graduate program and colleagues have kept me grounded and focused. Everyday they remind me of why I choose to attend Florida International University and why it was the best decision. I am so excited for what next year has to bring and where God is leading me. I have realized that in order to know what God wants for me…I have to start reading my Bible and seeking him again. I am determine not to have another semester like this last one. Thank God for my grandma and granddad for always picking up the phone when I called. They kept me laughing even when it seemed easier to sit in my room and cry. I even became close to the young ladies on my job and now they are some of my good friends. Its great to know that I can always count on them to call and check on me no matter what happens. And I still believe in love but without the extra carry on, book bag, nap sack, garbage bag, etc. I think your starting to get the point. This year has taught me that God will not forsake me. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have and I look forward to creating the steps that will allow me to walk in purpose in the next five to ten years. So my little piece of advice is not about making lemons into lemonade…or finding a solution in your resolution…its putting God first and letting everything else fall in place. If there are some things that don’t want to fall in line then you might just have to leave them behind. And believe me its a great feeling at the end of the day. Well, that’s all I would like to say in this post. Be Blessed and Have a Happy Holidays :-)

Its always surprising to me that no matter how much time passes it still feels like just yesterday. This weekend, I finally got a chance to spend time with my love. Being that we have not seen each another for almost four months there was a lot of catching up to do. It was just nice to be able to look into his eyes and have his arms around me again. I didn’t realize just how much I missed that feeling until I did not want it to end. Now that weekend has come to a close *wipes away tears* I realize that its such a blessing to have someone in your life that loves you beyond words. Hopefully it wont be another four months but even if it is it will only feel like just yesterday in my heart. In a matter of months, I will be in one of the longest relationships that I have ever been in before. In four months, it will be a year in the game. This summer, I have been forced to ask myself some hard questions about our future together. I know some people are firm believers that logic and love are not able to function in the same space. Well in my opinion it is hard to have one without the other if you want it to last. In the past, I have allowed my feelings to dictate my fate as stated before but this time around that’s not the case. Since I’m not getting any younger, certain questions and concerns have to be address. A lot of things are about to change in both of our lives and I want to be sure that we are on the same page. Currently, I feel like we are opposite pages which is not favorable. I keep telling myself …Brittany this is a work in progress…as a means of reassuring myself that I should continue to fight. Its kinda hard when you have all these uncertainties floating around in your head. I just pray and hope that things get better before they get worst because I’ve seen worst. I love my boyfriend but that does not mean I don’t have doubts at times. I guess you could say I’m scared, nervous, or unsure about the future and you would be correct. I know that these are normal human emotions when dealing with a transition in life. I just want us to reach our full potential without any regrets which at this point might be easier said than done. Its funny how life goes but I’m grateful to have God right by my side. As I prepare to enter a new chapter in my life, I have to be honest with myself about my relationship. The pressures of being a state apart is really weighing heavily on my heart. Being that its difficult being two hours away moving almost ten hours away is definitely a challenge. I have tried to stay positive but I must say its hard especially when your dealing with other issues in addition to the distance. I truly think that I will learn the meaning of sacrifice and compromise over the next few years. My pray is that we do not lose sight of why we love each other as much as we do and continue to grow individually as well as collectively. I just want the best for him and I know he wants the same for me. Well…I guess only time will tell what happens in the future but God knows my desire for this relationship. I do think its amazing that through all the laughs, arguments, screaming, and smiles I can still remember the little things that give me reassurance. Like I’ve said before no relationship is perfect when your dealing with people who have imperfections. We are just trying to be the best person we can be for the other person at the end of the day. This relationship has definitely taught me alot about myself and what love looks like…sounds like…and what its willing to do. As the year mark gets closer, I am experiencing alot of mixed emotions but I am happy that we have come this far and did not give up when it seem like things were getting worst before they got better. This next chapter will definitely open my eyes to some things as I look toward to the future with my sweet love. I truly do love and cherish the love of my life through the ups and downs we remain strong. We are good and growing stronger :-) Its surprising how fast you can find yourself longing for the memories that seem so far out of reach…. well I guess you can see where my next post is going…two weeks until my one year anniversary and my reality of loneliness may be realized before I’m ready to handle it…*sigh* 

*Cues Luther Vandross* …. A year from today, I made a commitment to De’El Emmanuel Camarena and receive what I believed was my second chance at love. After being cheated out of love the first time, I was sure things would be different this time around. So there I was with my heart on my sleeve ready to experience the kind of love you only read about….dream about…or hear about on tv and in movies. There I was and there he was willing to love me pass the pain of dealing with a shattered heart. Its still funny to me how I could end up meeting someone in the most unlikely of places and have this feeling that I could not live without them. I know over the last few months, I have expressed the ups…downs…good…bad…smiles…frowns….and everything in between. Now, I sit here in a dark room alone with my thoughts…. worrying if today means as much as I thought it would. My doubts about the future of this relationship have become fears that the end maybe closer than the beginning. I’ve always felt like this relationship was just a chance for me to realize that I was worthy of love. I guess your wondering whats wrong or what happen to make me feel this way. Well, it started when I moved to Miami and he moved to North Carolina. Its funny how I’ve never been a fan of long distance relationships but I’m the first one to sign up to be in one. I tried to suppress thoughts that caused me to believe we would grow apart but now I’m starting to believe them. It hurts because I don’t even know where to go from here and how to make things right. I have been praying for things to get better but God seems to be telling me something and I’ve been stubborn long enough. Lord knows, I love my boyfriend with all my heart but I’ve been unhappy for so long that it seems like something isn’t adding up. So today is my anniversary and unfortunately it feels like just another day. I had hoped for a chance to reconnect and replenish the love that we had for one another but that’s been put on hold. I thought writing out my feelings would help the pain go away but that oh so familiar feeling is starting to come back. As I still here…trying to hold back the tears….I know that the possibility of things getting better might not be possible. Well, I think I’m just going to go to sleep and pray that I could make it through the day without breaking down…*sigh*  

*Cues more Luther Vandross* I think the best thing about being in an imperfect relationship is realizing that we are human and we do have flaws. Even though, things are not all roses and sunshine; its great to smile again and him be the reason why :-)